Realized I haven't check my LJ for a while.

So a serious post I guess.  I realize I haven't really seen any of you guys for a while, I am sorry about that, I have been busy.

I am leaving Cal Poly.  Its a combination of things.  I am going to be kicked out this quarter but before that can happen I plan on withdrawing from the university.  I can't do comp sci anymore.  I hate it.  Its not for me, I've known this for about three quarters now but I have been too afraid to act on anything and now it is too late.  I can't transfer, poly has a crappy transfer policy and I have stayed here for too long.  Basically, I've wasted two years of my life.  Its hard to say that and come to face with it but I chose a major I liked because I was familiar with computers, thats it.  I desperatly want to get into an english career. I am not quite sure what the road ahead will be like, a truly terrifying uncertainty, but I plan on attending some sort of JC or CC and completing some english courses till I can transfer to another four year school.

I am actually completly terrified right now.  I feel like such a fool as well, having been complacent but not happy for the past couple years.  Unfortunatly I realize now what I have to do too late.  So the next year or so of my life is going to involve getting a job, finding an apartment and taking classes at Cuesta (the community college in SLO) most likely.

I won't be back for summer most likely.  I really would like to go back but I have a lot of lost time I need to catch up on.  I think I'll be back for spring break and if any of you dudes are back, we should have another midnight movie crew.  Seeing some friendly faces would certainly warm my depressed heart.  Sometimes life can really fuck you up.

-Kevin

I LOVE POSTING ON LJ.  FUCK YEAH!

-K Dawg.

I watch the flipping.  Tick tick, louder tick, tick tick.  The sun kisses the horizon.  My eyes are transfixed upon that which I want but cannot have.  Fool's gold some would call it, I would call them fools.  I told her, whispered, "Kiss me."  And she did.  A disgusting, revolting moment, one in which two souls become one.  A physical connection creating a metaphysical experience.  A light shining through the darkness.  

NO NO NO NO!

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.  Sometimes a fling is just a fling.  I recoiled, darted.  The darkness enveloped me, dragged down deeper and deeper.  Cracks in the earth show weakness from which I can grow.  If things were as they were, as they should be, instead of as they are, my love, and my sorrow would lie restless.  Awaiting another awful night, another dreadful consequence, another mistake.

They say only fools look for gold.  So how simple must a man be who searches not for gold, but for fool's gold.


Romance can be a recourse, the only one in which true nature may become true instinct.  Moons lie waiting, and hearts lie dormant, as I become less than what I once was:  Your lover, your shield, your failed opportunity.

-K Dawg Out.

PPS:  Leah is a bitch.  <3

After the Chernobyl incident, exactly three years before my birthday, there were many problems surrounding the decontamination and reduction of present radiation.  A pool of fire water and cooling water lied below Reactor 4 from broken pipes.  Because a lot of graphite had become molten with other radioactive substances there was concern that if it made contact with the pool of water, a steam explosion could occur, releasing lethal amounts of radiation into the air.  Unfortunatly the only way to drain the pool was by opening the sluice gates, located under the radiated water.  Three men voluteered for the dive.  Alexei Ananenko helped design the Sluice Gates and as such knew where they were located.  He had a wife.  Valeri Bezpalov was another prominent engineer at Chernobyl.  He had a wife and three children, feeding them was the reason he took such a high paying yet dangerous job of nuclear power plant engineer.  Boris Baranov was a run of the mill worker, who just did what he was told.  He had no family, or loved ones.  They knew of the risks, and understood that water with a radiation level of 20,000 röntgen per hour was far past the lethal range of 100 r/h.  These three men both entered the water under the reactor, managed to open the gates, and were never seen again, they never surfaced.  Theories suggest that they managed to make it to the gates while being irradiated, but once they were there, it was too late, and there bodies succumbed to acute radiation poisoining.  Other theories suggest that they boiled to death from the intense heat of the molten graphite. 

-K Dawg out

Its not to say one for the ages.  Certainly one for a month or two.  But it too will pass.  The pain it left will wallow, linger, and throb.  Like a bruise.  Like a bruise.  Do I blame you?  Of course.  Is it entirely your fault?  Absolutely!  Haha, its so easy to point fingers.  I've already gotten one, fucked another.  It doesn't matter.  They're but band-aids.  Its funny that tits can be remembered so much better than someones face.  So I just squeeze, close my eyes, and pretend their someone elses.  I think maybe once or twice I didn't say the right name, not like they cared.  Look up the word whores, or sluts.  Besides looks, there really isn't much to distinguish you from a crowd.  Mob.  So once you lose visuals, anyone can, and is you.  So I line them up.  Sit them down.  Strip them off.  Do with them what I can.  And kick them out.  For once, these Band-Aids aren't painful to take off.  No surprise when they're so worn in.  I'm going invisible.  See you later space cowboy.

I'm not gonna roll over and let it happen.  I'll put up a little fight at least.

I am not one for stark interventions.  Nor am I one for heartache or heartbreak.  If only heartbreak weren't so fun.  I love destruction.  I love creation.  But I only create so I can destroy.  A vicious cycle?  More like the goddamn Ritz.  My song is life.  My lyrics are love.  As if nothing but a meaningless trivial act.  I am once again reborn into your arms.  Its a strange, twisted thing.  To fall in love with the only thing that is dangerous.  You are my kryptonite.  An inconcievable threat, something so beautiful one moment, so deadly the next.  A rose with hidden thorns.  A dog whose bark is far better than its bite.  Turn your head towards me, read my lips.  Understand.  Understand!  Shoot.  Raise your hands towards the sky and say my name.  Let your words flow from your heart and let my name slip between the cracks.  That implies far more than you have.  I regret the moments we didn't spend.  And I regret the moments we did spend.  I am one for stark interventions.

When I look at you my heart stops.  No, that is not the correct term.  That sentiment makes it seem as though I die.  But the truth is, when I look at you I couldn't feel more alive.  Unfortunately this is but a one way transaction.  A bank that only accepts deposits.  I would gladly give all my money.  My heart races at the thought.  I'm flustered.  It stops.  A terrible agonizing, yet insatiable feeling.  Like a wound that doesn't bleed nor heal.  Its a lustful longing, like that of any pleasure of the flesh.  But that is caused by nothing more than serendipity.  The truth?  The truth?  Ha, god does indeed work in mysterious ways.  The truth is, I don't know heads or tails.  A difference can make all the difference.  Useless words, baggage on an endless journey.  I wallow, mourn, and hound.  And all you do is stare.  Not of hatred.  Not of remorse.  Not even even of pity.  I would be so lucky to glimpse pity.  Too far gone.  Too far done.  I am a grotesque figure of what was once ... normal?  I choose the worst words.  Do I miss you?  Do I long for you?  No, I miss what it could have meant.  I long for your touch but not you.  Its a strange thing.  And as if an untouched spot of sunlight, quickly shadowed.  Remorse is only fun when the dead were loved.  I cherish this last bit of hapiness.  A moment?  A moment.  Ancient people created constellations.  Made stories of heroic Orion.  All to bide their time.  All to keep their minds off sex.  Off women.  You can't live with them?  You can't live without them?  The latter holds more truth than most will ever know.  I can at least take solace in the fact that Batman blew me away.  But you could do so much more.

There are no contingency plans.

I stand and watch crowds.  Some would call it "people watching."  But naming these things, these creatures people would be too good for them.  I love the passion, the hatred found in the most mundane attraction.  A wink here, a nudge there, another one bites the dust.  Its a ludicrous dance, and everyone is partners with everyone.  When everything is a stage, what is real?  Actors, liars, con artists.  They make me sick.  But who am I to criticize?  I stand dressed in white while black surrounds me.  I offer my hand where it is needed.  Needed?  Ha, these poor bastards.  I am but the filth lying in a trash heap.  What I do is a service.  Payment is not always given to me, most wouldn't expect to.  But the truth is, I need it.  I live off of what I can get from these poor sods.  Its a sick sick sick thing, and to say it gets me off would be an understatement.  I love to play the card, that card.  When on the table no one can do anything but gawk.  Fucking fools.  Its a shame, I allienate the possibilities.  I am the snake in Eden.  I tempt people with a fate better than death.  However death is all they get.  A mirror with no reflections.  It's a shame.